Tough Luck Ranch

I sometimes think that I should only write happy things in this journal, and that if I were more upbeat, and wrote about knitting, cooking and crafting, that I would have more readers and comments. People would sign up as "followers" and tell their friends to log on to see what Maggie is up to now. Just can't do it. I feel some responsibility to record events as they happen, good and bad, gory and nasty, happy and euphoric. As a history major I read all kinds of stuff about what women experienced and endured through the ages and usually wished they were even more candid about their feelings and frustrations. Women often clean things up, or refrain from being self-indulgent. I have relatives who did heroic, incredible things, but I know very little about them and if they left any records I don't know about it other than bits and pieces of stories. I want to keep an accurate and truthful account of my farm experiences here, while I am in the throws of this drama, but I don't want to horrify or sicken anyone, although I am horrified and sickened enough myself. Why am I carrying on like this? It's just one of those days. The little goat buck kid died this morning, after tending to him all night. I'm disappointed and tired, and listening to his mother calling and calling for him is so sad. She'll get over it, but I feel for her and wish I could have saved him. Then, while doing a barn check an hour ago, I heard a ewe calling for lambs at the end of the barn. I know my sheep voices, and this is not one of the current moms. I find her, with signs of birth coming from her behind, but where are the lambs? I can't find them and neither can she. After searching all over this big barn, inside and out, tracks in the snow and under the snow, no lambs. No blood trails. I find tracks that go up to the fence but not over it. If coyotes got the lambs they would have to jump over the fence, but maybe they went a different way. Something got those lambs (I was sure she was carrying twins)and I can't figure out what. And I'm tired, and I need a bath, and the house is a mess. What to do, what to do. Get busy and think of what might have happened, and keep looking for clues. I'll tie on of the White Boys to the back of the barn and let him bark all damn night long if he wants. He will keep the sheep inside and the varmints out. Poor mama, and where was I? Inside taking care of little buck kid I guess. I've been very lucky about predators, but I've also been complacent and complacency leads to disaster on a farm. Sure, I know that things happen but I try to avoid disaster as much as possible. Back to work tomorrow where there's not much I can do about anything but worry, but while I'm here I like to have some control. Going back outside to look for those lambs.